A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man says to the bartender,
"I'll make you a deal, if my dog can talk, you owe me a free drink." The
bartender rolled his eyes. "Okay."
The man asked the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" The dog answered
"ruff". "Okay, now who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
"Ruth". "Good boy. Now what's on top of a house?" "Roof."
The man looked at the bartender expecting his drink. The bartender wasn't amused.
"Get out of my bar! Are you crazy! You're dog can't talk!" The man shook his
head and they walked out of the bar.
Once outside the dog turned to him and said, "What? Did I say something wrong?" |
 |
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back
of his head with a huge black frying pan. **Boing!!**
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou
written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit
sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying
pan swatting. **Boing!!**
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called." |
|
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, He noticed the
new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering
what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You
can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not
Disturb'!" |
|
When Seymour passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates.
"Thou be hungry, Seymour?" saith God.
"I could eat," Seymour replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they shared it. While
eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring
huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting,
Seymour remained quiet.
The next day God again invited Seymour to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye
bread. Once again looking down, Seymour could see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar,
champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Seymour said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could
contain himself no longer. Meekly, he said: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with
you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is
tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings!
Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand...."
God sighed: "Let's be honest, Seymour - for just two people does it pay to
cook?"
|
|